Adventures in Pregnancy

As of tomorrow, I can officially say that I am within single digit weeks of having this kid out of my body and into our lives. For-ev-er. The thought of having this kid in our lives forever is becoming less daunting the more uncomfortable I get with having her primary residence inside my body. Here is where the “adventures” come in.

I've been lucky so far as to avoid stretch marks on my ever growing belly, however do not let that fool you into thinking that the belly is petite. It is not. You know how when you go to the grocery store and you look into buying a whole seedless watermelon as compared to a regular whole watermelon and the seedless ones are a bit smaller but it’s really only because they are rounder and not so oval? I got me a nice seedless watermelon as frontage right now. And boy is that sucker hard. Let’s take that hard, whole seedless watermelon and put it on the front of your abdomen and have you go about getting ready for the day. Any day really, just pick your favorite.

I am about to report an all too familiar TMI moment that I’m sure the preggos can relate to: I can no longer see my lady business. And when I say no longer see, I don’t mean that I can’t see when I am standing in the shower looking down. I mean I can’t even smush the rock solid seedless watermelon enough to move/nudge/shift/re-position for lady business shower maintenance. Oh the soaping and all goes fine and I’m quite confident we are so fresh and so clean-clean (I know you’re relieved to know that) but it’s the landscaping that is the problem.  Imagine, if you will, you’re only option to quell the OCD landscaping maintenance part of your brain is to go in blind. Take a plastic stick, equipped with triple blade smoothing terror, close your eyes and have at it.

If you manage to get through that part of your shower without losing a pint of blood, congrats! Now time to oil up the seedless watermelon and get dressed. What’s that you say? You can’t bring your leg up to put your foot in the underpants/pants leg holes anymore because the watermelon is in the way? No problem! Since your hips have been gloriously separating, go ahead and swing one leg to the side at a time and pray you don’t fall over and you’ll get there. Don’t be fooled thinking it’s easier if you sit down. It’s not.  And then there comes my most prized accomplishment of socks. I can now put on socks with one hand. Jealous aren't you? Yeah… me neither.