Pick yourself up by your bootstraps

Found out again last night that I have been unsuccessful at the most basic womanly duty. I realize it is supposed to take up to a year. I understand that. I'm not okay with it and I don't know how to be okay with it. When I broke the news as I immediately found out yesterday, he tells me "well, we haven't really put a big effort into it". That got me sort of fuming a little bit when you consider it's at least every other day, if not every day, that we are trying. Then I realize that I've shot him down twice this week. Not that he's a super Casanova about the whole thing but it made me think about more about my role in all of this. I feel horrible about my body image. I would say that we have arrived at an all time low. That happens at different points for different people and now, especially over the last month, I feel like it hit me in the face like a bag of bricks. I can't tell if it is an excuse or if this is really the reason that I haven't done anything over the last month about this feeling but I have it in my mind that if I work out and get crazy about getting my body fit that it will stress my body that much more and it will be even harder for me to get pregnant. Since I've failed yet again this month, I've decided that I don't care. I at least need to feel good about myself... hell, at least somewhat better. We all know that I'm not good at sticking with this type of a goal. I never have been. But, if I can't feel good in my own skin, I will continue to feel even crappier every month that this doesn't happen. 

I sat up till after midnight last night and drank my sorrows and ate chocolate. When I finally went to bed I knew I had bad dreams, but apparently I was talking in my sleep too. He said that I kept saying "it's really bad. it's really bad." and that he had no idea what was going on but that he tried to comfort me. I have no memory of that. But I did wake up still bumming. So today, I've wrote all of this down. I have had my bowl of plain Cheerios. And now I am going to try and muster up some ambition and take the dogs for a hike by myself. He is working again today. One step at a time, right?